Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Why This Blog?

I try hard to resist my urge for writing, but then, you can't stay away for long from or forget your first love. Talking about first love, it is said that it gives u a lot of pain. But lo! what love is true love if it is sans pain. You may ask now why I keep away from writing.
Actually, it is not me that does not want to write. It is the fear inside the closed, dark tin of my heart, the fear that I may spill some dark beans, some unknown- 2- the- world secrets, some issues that I am not supposed to share with the world, a few songs that are meant to die unsung in that dark closed box called my heart, that stops me from writing.
Besides that, to be brutally frank, there is another fear. Fear that I may write things like, 'the world is full of bullshit" n things like that. Fear that I may vent out my anger{which I usually don't , knowingly or unknowingly, at each and every person who has hurt me. Fear that I may not b able to control myself. Fear that I may use the mighty sword in a wrong way, that I may lose the limited number of friends that I have, that I may lose the good girl image that I have held on for16 years, that I may lose the confidence of my parents, if ,in any way, they come to know about what I write.
SO, then, what propelled me to do what I was determined not to lately?
The answer is discovery.

Yes, I m on a tour of discovery to this world and I recently discovered something.
NO, that did not annoy me. Neither did I burst into tears. It didn't please me either. Sort of CONFUSED I am. I have not been able to sort it out that why the.......I would better not continue.
THe limited friends that I earlier talked about are not friends anymore, or to be accurate, they were never my friends, only it was me, the foolish girl, who took them to be friends. But I m not annoyed at that, better late than never, at least I came to know about them bfore any damage. I m not pleased either for the number of friends I had was at least something I could give a name to-"limited". But now it will be ZERO. This will soon be termed as 'attitude problem' as my Dad calls it, when he finds out. But this was not half as shocking as some things that happened to me or probably bcoz I had no more tears, I didn't cry either.
SO, in this vast and beautiful world, I recently discovered that there is no one so as to call "my friend". I discovered that though I have always tried to love each and every person I have met, there is hardly anyone who loves me. Or may be I hav not found that person yet. NO matter how much the person might love me, my first love will always remain my first love, if not my only love. SO, I have decided not to care bout what the world has to say anymore. I'll go all out and write whatever I want to. Kuch to log kahenge, logon ka kaam hai kehna. Let them say what they want. I won't care. For I m in love- with WRITING.